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  • Lissa Ng

IGTV Show - Discovering her sexuality on her journey to become a nun - Como e' la cosa Series

>Full Episodes on IGTV tab @LissaNgS_ <------- 4 parts

>Highlights on #reel tab @comoelacosa

I like to start saying how I met my guests and talk more about who they are.


I wrote about Richard, he shared his own story coming out as gay in a homophobic culture. Richard's story opened a lot of minds, made some hearts a little braver, and gave hope to others.

For Richard, the experience was freeing, como e' la cosa was a place for self-expression without judgment and this inspired others to speak up, in their own way.

For the purpose of this anonymous episode, we will call her Olivia.


Olivia grew up in a very religious household, she explains how her childhood was a happy one. Growing up she always felt out of place, she did not like the way that she was so she would change for others to like her.


She laughs and says how she was a tomboy, she loved to play with boys and "boys" toys, but once she acted as a "boy" in front of her cousin and she gave her a nasty look and told her to stop "acting" that way. Let me just say that I grew up the same way, a tomboy, I loved to play boys more than girls and I connected with them more. I disliked very much to wear dresses because I couldn't move, I wanted to run, jump, climb, and sometimes wrestle.


Olivia's first crush was Shakira, once she had a dream of kissing her in which her sister insisted to share with her. Unfortunately, her sister reacted in a negative way and told their mom as she entered the room. Her mother did not take this well and shout at her that her dream was very wrong.


She couldn't find the difference between kissing a girl and a boy. And she couldn't explain why and had nobody to turn to and talk about it. One day, she opened one of her teen magazines, there was this article about bisexuality, she felt identified, very excited that finally there was a name to what she felt, she ran to her mother and told her "mom, I'm bisexual" - her mother as she folded laundry told her "this is just a stage in your life, it's going to go away" -

from there, Olivia decided to repress what she felt, to never speak about it to anybody and worst... to herself.

There was a time where her mother asked her about it again, but she said "you were right, it was just a stage, I have overcome it".


Olivia had her short relationships with boys but never felt emotionally and romantically towards them. She would hear other girls talked about them starting a family with a man and how their marriage would be like. But to her, that was not in the plans. She just did not feel like it.


There was a lot of confusion for Olivia, she became very depressed and she leaned to what she has been taught and this was to pray. She experienced a spiritual experience with God, and this helped her through her depression.


Now, because she did not see herself with a man, and she was religious, she decided to be a nun. To her, that was her calling, her purpose in life.


Her journey to be a nun started and the changes she went through shocked her. She had to follow strictly the rules of the convent, there was a lot of meditation. If you know about it, this means getting deep down within. Today, we live in a world full of distractions, and talking and listening to you is a very scary thing to do, especially, if you have repressed feelings, unresolved traumas.


Her mentor was the first female she fell in love with, but she did not know. She used to tell Olivia "I love you, but not the same way you do to me" and this got Olivia extremely confused, to her she was her best friend. Everything inside Olivia was chaos, and this showed physically, she calls it "Emotional Diarrhea", she entered the convent with 200+ lbs and got expelled at 110lbs. They were worried about her health and had to let her go.


This event caused her a lot of trouble, she was lost, what she thought was her calling, her purpose seems like it was not anymore and she couldn't understand why. One day she googled "Symptoms of being in love" and that's where everything fell into place. She finally admitted she is a lesbian.


She decided to go back once again to the convent but this time with her head clear. Hoping she would see her mentor as well, but she, unfortunately, had left at the same time she did the last time.


Olivia decided to speak to her psychologist inside the convent and told her that she is a lesbian. And that she knew that that's not ok or good religiously. The therapist's answer is what surprised her and me as well "It does not matter because you decided to give up on having a family, regardless if this is a man or woman." BUT for Olivia... she never gave up on having a family with a woman, because she never thought of it as an option. When she did, she had to re-think her life. This time she left the convent by her own decision.


Her first experience with a woman was by creating a fake Facebook account, in which her partner also did, they both saw each other in secret. Olivia had shared this with her brother but her partner did not like it, as she was very afraid and ended things.


Every day, Olivia has to deal with homophobic comments from her family members "they need to go to the psychiatric to fix themselves" "They are not going to heaven" - this has created an environment where she does not feel safe to share who she is - She is afraid that she won't be accepted by the people she loves the most, her family, that she will be kicked out of the house, that she will be a bad influence as an aunt. - As a parent, I have become very aware of how and what I say to my kids because this can change the dynamic between us.


Olivia faces the challenges of wanting to be herself without being herself. This is something that a LOT of us can identify ourselves with whatever the situation is. #beingjudged #insecurities #fearofnotbeingliked #whatwouldotherpeoplethink

She asks to please if you do not understand something, to find out, to be curious, to ask a lot of questions, to be open-minded. Your perception of things might change. Some things people might never understand, because they do not have someone close to them dealing with it, and it is ok, but when you go deeper to understand you empathize and you have compassion, and even though you might not agree, you let others be, let others be happy. Do not spit hate. To agree to disagree :)


We don't have to be alone, sometimes hearing stories after the storm has passed, can seem so far away for us to reach, and hearing stories of people still in that same stage situation as you, makes it feel less lonely


I hope this story reaches out to those that are in the same situation. Like Olivia said, eventually things will come clear, eventually the truth will surface. Take your time if you need to. Reach out to others for support.


I'm proud to have a platform for those afraid to speak up to have a safe space to do so. Olivia said it felt liberating, another chance to be herself, less weight to carry.


Thank you for letting me share, Olivia, thank you for letting yourself be with me.


It means a lot.


Do you have a story to share anonymously? Go to the contact section and shoot me an email :)

Or connect with me on Instagram!


P.S. How are you being an ally? Share your thoughts!

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© 2020 by Lissa Ng Sang